I'm So Sick Of Words

These last few days I've been in turbo mode, killing page after page of corrections in my wip. I haven't come across a single page that doesn't have some kind of red mark, strikethrough, warning label or personal threat to my safety if I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  Actually, I am exaggerating a tad, can't you tell? I did come across one page that didn't have a single notation on it. I was so surprised that I held it up to the light like an X-ray to make sure I didn't miss the edit mark. After ten minutes of searching for Waldo, I decided my editor must have accidentally skipped this page (pg 236). (;

So right now, I'm sick of my words and having to correct the most asinine things that I should have caught myself! But no, only I can mix US and UK English as if the Declaration of Independence never happened, write desert for dessert--twice, have multiple ways of writing the em-dash, as for compound words--never use them when I should. Consistency? Never heard of it. Palette and  palate? Close enough. *facepalm* 

Anyway, Eliza pretty much sums up my current feelings about words and yet, she still has the audacity to remind me that I need to show not tell.     

R for RUMPOLOGY

(((((: Hey guys, I'm posting R early because I'll be on the road all day Saturday and Sunday. My apologies for not being able to visit this weekend, but I will catch up on Monday. I also want to thank you for the encouraging comments you guys left in my last post. 

You all are amazing. :)))))

Rumpology is fortune telling by reading people's butts. Also called "Bottom Reading." 

"What? Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Ugg, that's gotta be a total bummer of a job."

"May I continue?"

"Oh, right. Sorry." 

A 'rump reading' is performed by a rumpologist who examines crevices, dimples, warts, moles, and folds of a person's buttocks in much the same way a chirologist would read the palm of the hand. 

"Um, warts? Oh, that can't be a good sign."

"No, I suppose not. Can you please stop interrupting now? I'm getting behind."  

This practice not only exists, but certain rumpologists get paid butt-loads of money for their rump readings. According to astrologer Jackie Stallone, rumpology is known to have been practiced in ancient times by the Babylonians, Indians,  Ancient Greeks, and Romans. (Asstonishing) But bare in mind, she has yet to provide any evidence for this claim. (Source).  So who is this Jackie Stallone anyway? Only actor Sylvester Stallone's mother. (o_o)  

"Can I ass you a quick question?"

"That's not even funny."

"Not even a little?"

"No."

"Well that's cheeky of you."

"Stop."

"I'm hungry for halibut. You?"

"Stop it!"


Now, where was I? Oh yes, rumpologists have a variety of theories as to the meaning of different posterior characteristics and can preform rumpology either by sight, touch or by using buttock prints. 

"Off to the xerox machine I go!" 

*eye-roll, shakes head*

In addition to live readings, Jackie Stallone will perform circus tricks buttock readings using e-mailed digital photographs, and has claimed to predict the outcome of Presidential elections and Oscar awards by reading the bottoms of her two pet Doberman Pinschers.

"WTF?"

"Yeah, I'm actually behind you on this one."

According to Mom Stallone, the left and right buttocks reveal a person's past and future, respectively, although she has also commented that "The crack of your behind corresponds to the division of the two hemispheres of the brain."

"Bam! Proof people really do have their head up their ass!"

"You're butting into this post--AGAIN!" 

"Sorry. You're right. It's not good for us to be butting heads like this."

"Aaahhh! You're such a pain in my--"

"Ass?"

"Out!"

*Takes deep breath*  According to blind German clairvoyant and rumpologist, Ulf Beck, "an apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life. A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth." The British rumpologist Sam Amos also uses shape to diagnose personality, and claims that "A round bottom indicates the person is open, happy and optimistic in life. However, a flat bottom suggests the person is rather vain and is negative and sad." 

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Although, I'd probably feel better if my ass was perky and "apple-shape" perfect. Does my butt look flat to you?

*Throws post notes into the air* "That's it. I've hit bottom. I give up."

"Awww. Don't feel bad. This post really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. On a side note, do you think Jensen Ackles needs a rump reading? I'm thinking about another career change. . . "

Other random R_ology words

Rabdology: Method of performing arithmetical operations using Napier's bones. Graduated rods called Napier's bones are used to perform multiplication quickly.

Rheology: The science dealing with the deformation and flow of matter. 

                                         

The Wooden Steak

"But it really was a typo!"
*facepalm*