Here is my rewrite for Honey's Writers Workshop exercise. But first, I want to thank everyone that commented and left advice/suggestions on the pos character description I put up last Thursday. THANK YOU! Every comment was helpful and motivating!
Below is the rewrite. It's still not a true character sketch because remember, I pulled the excerpt directly from my wip. This original excerpt was written two years ago and contained 202 words. The rewrite is down 153. That's 49 words cut, but doesn't necessarily mean it's any better. In fact, there's something that still bothers me about this segment but I can't seem to put a finger on it. I'll just have to keep fiddling with it when I start my edits.
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I
studied the reflected image for a long while. An ashen face, hollow cheeks and
purplish shadows hung beneath eyes that stared back at me. I was
unrecognizable. A mental flash took me back weeks ago when dark whispers
taunted my sanity and had me toying with ideas. Deadly ideas. "Slit
your wrist. Do it," they said. In the end, I hacked away at
my hair instead.
Casting
the memories aside, I refocused on the rest of my naked body. Most of my
womanly curves were gone and I looked more like a dry, over stretched rubber
band. You are a mess, Edessa. The only thing recognizable of
this haggard body was the color of my eyes, still the same shade of green.
Why do
I care what I look like anyway? I tried killing
myself only yesterday, does it really matter if I look like Hell? Interesting
word choice, I thought. Hell…
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What do you think? Did I just make a total mess of this? Did I manage some improvements? Is there anything that got lost in the rewrite?
What do you think? Did I just make a total mess of this? Did I manage some improvements? Is there anything that got lost in the rewrite?
